Why Women with ADHD Can Feel Isolated

Women with ADHD often face unique challenges that can lead to feelings of isolation. Here are several reasons why this may happen:

1. Underdiagnosis and Misdiagnosis: Historically, ADHD has been underdiagnosed in females, especially those who don't exhibit the stereotypical hyperactive behaviour. Many girls with ADHD are overlooked or misdiagnosed with other conditions like anxiety or depression. This delayed or inaccurate diagnosis can lead to a sense of isolation because women may feel like something is wrong with them but don't have an explanation.

2. Masking and Camouflaging: Some women with ADHD develop coping mechanisms to fit in and avoid drawing attention to their differences. This "masking" or "camouflaging" behaviour can be exhausting and lead to feelings of isolation because it prevents them from being their authentic selves.

3. Social Struggles: ADHD can lead to difficulties with social interactions, such as impulsivity, forgetfulness, and trouble with time management. Women with ADHD may struggle to maintain friendships or feel like they're constantly making mistakes, which can lead to social isolation.

4. Self-Esteem Issues: Repeated experiences of underachievement or criticism, combined with difficulties in self-regulation, can erode self-esteem. Women with ADHD may feel inadequate or like they're constantly failing, which can lead to isolation as they withdraw from social situations.

5. Executive Function Challenges: Many women with ADHD struggle with executive functions like planning, organization, and time management. These difficulties can make it challenging to maintain commitments, leading to canceled plans and a reduced social life, which can contribute to feelings of isolation.

6. Relationship Struggles: ADHD can also affect romantic relationships. Impulsivity, forgetfulness, and difficulties with communication can strain partnerships, leading to feelings of isolation and loneliness.

7. Self-Stigmatization: Some women with ADHD internalize negative stereotypes and stigmas associated with the condition. They may believe that they're lazy, disorganized, or unreliable, which can lead to feelings of shame and isolation.

8. Lack of Support: Without proper recognition and support from family, friends, or professionals, women with ADHD may feel like they're navigating the challenges of ADHD alone, increasing their sense of isolation.

9. Emotional Dysregulation: ADHD can also involve emotional dysregulation, making it harder for women to manage their emotions. This can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships, contributing to isolation.

10. Perfectionism: Many women with ADHD develop perfectionist tendencies as a way to compensate for their challenges. This perfectionism can lead to isolation because they fear showing any perceived flaws or weaknesses.

To address these feelings of isolation, it's essential for women with ADHD to seek support and understanding.

This can include getting an accurate diagnosis, connecting with support groups and/or working with a therapist who specializes in ADHD and building a network of friends and loved ones who are aware of their challenges and can offer support and encouragement.

Understanding and accepting one's ADHD and its unique traits can also be empowering and, if given the opportunity, can help women with ADHD connect with others who share similar experiences. In fact, that’s why I launched Live Heart Forward as I’m a woman with ADHD too.

I would love to hear about your experience as a woman with ADHD. Get in touch here, follow me on Instagram, or book an appointment so we can help you Live Heart Forward too.

Happy Self-Love Day!

In case you need the reminder, here it is. Loving others starts with loving ourselves.

Many of us struggle with diminished self-image, fueled by our struggles with ADHD. The reasons for this include social expectations centred around unrealistic gender roles, rampant perfectionism, unrealized potential, and a harsh inner critic cultivated along the way.

Day in and day out, we are engaged in a vicious cycle of comparing ourselves against some fictitious gold standard and then beat ourselves up when we fall short. Of course, this negative self-talk only makes us feel worse. Over a lifetime, it may feel more familiar to be hard on ourselves than to be kind. Many of us don't feel we are deserving of self-kindness. Our brains can be cruel to us, far more than anyone else.

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“The bottom line is that we are all worthy of self-love.”

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Steps & Strategies for Circuit-Breaking Negative Self-Talk

Learning to speak to yourself with the same kindness and compassion you offer others is one of the most effective ways to increase internal sense of well-being, and it doesn't cost a thing. Some may know this as #radical seeselflove.

You might be thinking, "That's great and all, Krista, but how do I bring that into practice in my life?"

Step 1 - Intention-Setting

For many, the biggest challenge is to catch negative self-talk in the first place. Learning to recognize when it's happening will likely be challenging because it's reflexive, almost automatic at this point. In your busy ADHD brain, it will probably take many attempts even to remember that you're trying to implement this new practice of being kind to yourself (an annoying but characteristic trait of our non-neurotypical brain).

One strategy that works for ADHD brains is to speak your intention out loud. "I commit to catching negative self-talk and replacing it with self-love." Yes, this might feel weird at first, and that's ok. Repeat this affirmation as often as you need until it sticks in your brain.

Step 2 - Catch and Replace Negative Self-Talk

The next step is to catch the negative self-talk when it's happening. Once you notice yourself engaging in negative self-talk, immediately tell yourself, "Self, I'm doing my best here!" (or whatever phrase works for you - just remember to keep it compassionate!)

You may find it helpful to say your chosen phrase aloud as if you're talking to someone else. Let's call this process "externalizing". The aim is to create distance between our negative self-talk and us as inherently awesome people who are totally worthy of self-love. Not only that but, by speaking our positive self-talk phrase out loud, we engage multiple senses (speech and hearing) in the process, and this increases the chances of cementing this practice amongst the noise.

Repeat Steps 1 and 2 as many times as needed.

Step 3 - Practice and Patience

Here's the rub. As much as you may crave change at a deep soul love, implementing a new practice takes time. Seasons may pass. You may entirely forget entirely about this practice for awhile. That's ok, and even to be expected in our busy brains. Patience is a toughie for those of us with ADHD but we can do this.

Recognize and avoid perfectionism-fueled thinking traps like "If I don't catch negative self-talk every time then I've failed". Sorry brain, we're not doing that anymore.

Remember that it has taken a lifetime to get to this point; anticipate it will take some time to reprogram your brain too. Your desire to change this pattern is far more important in the long run than how long it takes you to change.

If you stick with it, you may find positive self-talk actually becomes more intuitive than negative self-talk. And self-love is a radical act indeed!

Alarm Bells

Illustration by Seb Black Art created just for us!

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Hi I’m Krista, the human behind Live Heart Forward.

I believe each and every one of us is born with innate gifts and passions that make us who we are. Perhaps you feel this way too.

Over our lifetime many of us become disconnected from our true selves in a well-intended or subconscious effort to fit in.

Some us have an endless desire to please others and go along to get along, which only causes further internal disconnection.

We measure ourselves and our worth against external markers of success. Career, relationships, friends, our bodies, our brains…

Many of us can get by this way for a while but sooner or later, we may find ourselves feeling lost, stuck, and unhappy.

We may find ourselves feeling empty and disconnected despite our best efforts to follow the social script. This is often compounded by feelings of guilt and shame for not being happy with what we have achieved.

Or maybe we feel like no matter how hard we work we’re just going through the motions day to say. We may feel broken or faulty. We may ask ourselves “WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”

I am here to tell you that there is NOTHING wrong with you. That nagging feeling of dis-ease (get it?)  is actually your internal alarm system letting you know that there’s a misalignment between your internal self and the external environment in which you move through day to day.

Maybe, like me in the past, you’ve tried to turn down the alarm bells by “numbing out” - choosing to distract yourself with vices of various forms. It probably works for a bit, at least to take your mind off that gnawing feeling. But then it comes roaring back in a matter of hours, days, weeks, month and the cycle repeats.

In my work as a Registered Social Worker, I have seen time and time again that many of us have been conditioned to believe we are faulty, that who we are is the problem. For women with ADHD this feeling is even more common, and we are only starting to understand the impact on wider society.

Let me be the first to tell you that you dear one, are not the problem.  I know firsthand the hurt that a lifetime of trying to achieve some mythical  (and often unrealistic!) standard can wreak on us. When we fall short of meeting whatever expectation we hold ourselves against, we often direct that anguish inward.

So back to those alarm bells. Do you hear them? Those alarm bells are actually your inner wisdom, calling you back to perfectly imperfect self.

Rather than trying to drown out the noise, what if you chose to courageously tune in?

Unlearning our social programming and tuning into ourselves may feel scary at first, especially as women who have been conditioned to please others our whole lives. Trust that engaging in this life-changing act of radical self-love will ultimately change your life for the better as you live in greater alignment.

I’m here to walk next to you on your journey toward greater ease in your life. Want to learn more about me first? Feel free to drop me a line and say hello.

With love,
Krista

Journal Prompts for Self-Exploration

• What is your internal alarm system trying to tell you? How long have you been tuning out?

• What is and isn’t working for you in your current situation? Be honest with yourself, this is a safe space to explore.

• Visualize yourself in this preferred future where your external and internal worlds are more aligned. What will your day-to-day life look like? What will it feel like in your body? In your heart? What area will feel easier?